This Little Light of Mine

Friday, October 8, 2010

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly in Me

My heart has been heavy with concerns that I have tried to put out of mind but they keep surfacing.  They stand as tall as an insurmountable mountain tonight.  I wasn't going to post these things, but I realized that in the course of this journey I need to lay it all out there for the destination is still undetermined.  The challenge of an international adoption in Haiti takes an act of God to accomplish in the best and perfect of circumstances.  That alone has been terrifying along with the thought of the anguish of my husband, children, mother and family as we traverse this together.  Then, we add on that the child holding my heart has a life threatening illness with probable surgery in another country with post-operative recuperation, etc.  with details to plan changing regularly and delayed communication to me.  Oh and then as if that emotional strain wasn't enough, you are caught between having been her medical doctor and now her mother with neither role defined and input undesired.  WHAT AM I DOING????  I get the whole part of God never said it would be easy.  Okay.  But I need a clue now.  A hint.  A small flicker of light on what the next step is.  This isn't about me anymore.  My husband and family are invested too.  They have committed to Melissa as a daughter, granddaughter, sister and niece. 

Those who know us, know that we are 100% people to a fault.  If we commit to something, we are in it 100% with all of who we are and what we have.  We don't do half-way.  So, when we finally came to make the commit of caring for this beautiful child, that was it.  We are in it 100%.  Well, for a multitude of reasons, I am having to consider a request to step back for a lack of better words.  How do I do that now?  How do I stop wanting to know the details of her care especially with each day waiting for her surgery potentially one of a limited few?  How do I suddenly act okay with getting her medical evaluation information third hand?  I'm not talking of interfering to where I am causing impedence to her care.  I am committed to whatever is best for Melissa and had to even suddenly and seriously discuss the possibility that another couple could be better suited for her last week when I was informed of another interested person.  So, if I step back and just wait until my presence is requested,  I have to wonder if this is truly the course God has set forth for us.  Doubt weighs heavy that I can face these emotional battles and any power struggles over a child.  This is going to take some substantial prayer and guidance and I am growing wearing as my "regular" life marches on admist all of this.

Sorry to not be "cheery" but definitely trying to be honest...Waiting on the Lord.,


  1. Thanks for posting such honest feelings. Glad to know someone else who wishes we could have a burning bush that speaks to us, or a neon sign, "go this way". I struggle daily with many of your issues. You gave me great advice.
    I'll join you in prayer for guidance and patience. 2 things us "mom"s and medical people" have hard times with giving up control of.

  2. Thanks for your honesty and openness. Here's what comes to mind ...Romans 8:26 (NIV) In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

  3. I wish I were there to hug you.

    My advice: love her. The answers will come.

  4. I don't know what to say to you that hasn't been said by me or other friends and family that speak much more eloquently than me. My heart aches for you and your sweet family. With the prayers being said for you, Melissa, your family, and all the others involved - God's purpose will be fulfilled here! God is in control!

    How lucky is this sweet little girl that she has so many people that love her and want the best for her.

    Hang in there friend!