This Little Light of Mine

Sunday, December 5, 2010

True Faith and Hope in the Impossible

It is interesting how in my mind I have blogged several times.  Great thoughts that never make it to virtual paper.  I am going to diverge from the story telling of the last trip to update on Melissa's status.  In the last month, the Roberts (missionary family in Haiti I serve with) have been working on the paperwork and such for Melissa's birth certificate, passport and visa.  This endeavor (along with all of the issues with Melissa) have once again been out of my hands.  With multiple mission teams down in the last few weeks, the Roberts cup has been overfloweth.  To widen the burden of getting Melissa to the US on medical leave, we have been confronted with multiple invisible hoops of bureaucracy to leap through.

We began investigating what and whom to contact on the US side.  We were guided to contacting our US senators from Alabama.  The Lord was chuckling as I began into the world of politics and the legislative system.  Those who know me know that I have never been a fan of politics and debate.  Can't explain it, but I have avoided the political scene.  After about a week, we were blessed to have contacts in both Senator Jeff Session and Senator Shelby's offices who may can advocate for us.  BUT, we then hit a large and formidable brick one could advocate or do anything until the visa application was submitted.  So, what little contribution/control was there came to a screeching halt as I have had to wait on "the process" of those acting on my behalf in Haiti. 

Initially, I had faith and a sense of certainty that this was "doable."  I began to relax in the journey the Lord was unfolding, despite my tendency to guard my heart and over-prepare for the worst case scenario.  It became more and more easy to share Melissa's story and the possible future.  Jack (my husband) and kids talked about Melissa's part in the family as we went about daily routines.  We started to shift from apprehension to excitement about God's possibilities for our family.  My Mom brought home souvenirs for each of the children- including Melissa.  Our traditional matching pajamas for Christmas eve included tiny, pink footed pajamas.  I felt full of faithful confidence of the Lord's provision.

Thanksgiving holiday showed me how thin my faith truly is...

The holiday started off rocky when I began to speak with others who had been involved in getting patients to the states on medical visas.  They quizzed me on form XYZ and application 123.

Huh?  What forms?  What guarantees for finances for her medical care? 

As the knot in my stomach cinched around my Thanksgiving dinner, I knew that Melissa's presence with us as we read the Christmas story was slipping away. 

This emotional slap of reality was then confounded when I learned that due to illness of her other "mommy" in Haiti neccessitated someone else assume her care while the Roberts went to the Dominican Republic.  So, as I pined for my small daughter I begin to let the demons of despair sweep over me erasing my purported faithfulness.  My mind filled with images of this stranger providing for her daily needs, but not giving her the love and cuddles and family I so desperately want for this precious creature. It was another reminder that though she is a part of our lives now, we are not YET a part of her life.  And, frankly, that hurt.  A LOT!!

And so this week, the hurt, discouragement and fear returned like a flood on my soul.  Mentally I was so disappointed at my easily lost faith in God's TRUE power.  I fell into my common stance of being faithful in God's will, but "it probably isn't his will anyway."  The walls on my heart went under construction.  To be honest, I deeply questioned if I had the strength for this journey the Lord had gifted me with.  Maybe, this journey would better be travelled by someone else. 

Today was a turning point I am thrilled to say.  As I listened to our Advent sermon on hope and how we limit our lives based on our own limiting paradigms, it hit me.  That is exactly what I have been doing.  Somewhere in the last month, my mind became convinced that if we couldn't get the paperwork done then God couldn't make this happen.  Though I spoke of trust in God's power, once again I slapped it in a cage of limitations...

So...I am going to REFUSE to claim defeat...yes, things look bleak if I focus on the obvious worldly reality of the situation, BUT...  My God is greater, My God is higher than any other...  If he truly wants something to be done, miracles can and DO occur.  My God has got this!!!

"Now ask and keep on asking and you shall receive, so that your joy may be full and complete."   (John 16:24)

Melissa holding on to Melody

Melissa's Mommies

Melissa fully stylin' in gifts from Haley and Lori.

As a foot note, an interesting developed when I began to query my elected officials for help.  Initially, I randomly sent 2 e-mails to state level senators before catching my error.  This wasn't random at all apparently.  One of the state senators is very interested in following and helping with contacts federally b/c he worked in the Peace Corp for years and has a special interest in internation mission work.  The other state senator wrote me a personal note explaining his interest as he lived in Haiti in the 1980's.  Who knew?  Yup...He knew...don't know if the contacts will ever be used but it was a neat twist.